by Gary Gordon
(produced as a radio play in the early winter of 1993)

     Everyone seemed to ask the question Why Somolia? when Clinton sent troops in 1993. One day, an article ran on the front page of the L.A. Times reporting that five major oil companies owned the oil rights throughout Somolia. The information only appeared once. Then it was as if it had never been mentioned.
     So I wrote Someoilia.
     This was my first L.A. production and I was extremely lucky to recruit some very talented people, several of whom went on to work with me in O.J. Law in 1994 and 1995. This production was recorded at Miriam Cutler's studio and features her original music.

      From the script:

Chief: The point is this: That's all we know.

Hero: I don't follow you, Chief.

Chief: I'm saying we don't even know why we're in Someoilia.

Hero: I see. I didn't know it went that deep.

Chief: It's deep. Deep deep deep. Going going gone. Deep six. Deep throat. Deep space nine. What was that movie with Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bisset?

Hero: "The Deep."

Chief: That's it. That's what I'm saying. Deep. Rhymes with Creep. Committee To Re-Elect. Not that Nixon's running again. Hmmm, wouldn't be a bad idea. Nixon in '96. Alliteration. No, strike that. You didn't hear it from me. Deep. Rhymes with Streep. Good actress, no tits. She could play J. Edgar in the movie. Damn, that'd be righteous. Better than Sinead O'Connor. What's with women these days? Shaved heads. Foul mouths. It's Hollywood. J. Edgar had the right idea. Wipe 'em out. You want a conspiracy theory? It's Hollywood. Wipe 'em out. Stone, Valenti, Fonda-- the lot of 'em. Julia Roberts, too. Too bad. She's a good actress, but they've all gotta go.

Hero Ah-hem.

Chief: Right. Onward. Deep. It's deep. Hollywood's not your mission. We've got someone else on that. Code name "Tipper". Pretty clever, huh? Your mission, it's deep. Why? Because everything's a mess, that's why. A mess. That's what happens when you get a damned newcomer in the White House.

Hero: Do you mean what I think you mean?

Chief: Possibly.

Hero: And my mission?

Chief: Same-old same-old. We gather intelligence. How you do it-- well, remember the motto.

Hero: In God we trust.

Chief: Uh, no. "Maintain Plausible Deniability". But the God thing is good, too.

     More from the script:

sfx: War

War Correspondent: This is Steve Trenches. I'm standing on the edge of a town that used to have a motel, a restaurant, a post office, several houses, a square, many living citizens, and a lavatory with real toilet paper, speaking with Bosnian soldiers and their Serbian prisoners-- or it may be the other way around. Fighting rages in the hills nearby as I speak with these men. You there, are you a soldier or a prisoner?

Former Yugoslavian: Yes.

War Correspondent: I'm from American Television. We're all very confused about your Civil War. What started it?

Former Yugoslavian: Yes.

War Correspondent: I see... Perhaps we need an interpreter. Does anyone here speak English?

Several: I do! I do! I do!

War Correspondent: Do you speak English?

Soldier: Madonna. Michael Jackson. Billy Jean is not my son. Material Girl. I'm losin' my religion. Nirvana...

War Correspondent: Good. Good. Can you intrepret what this man is saying?

Soldier: Yes. Do you have cigarettes?

War Correspondent: Yes. I'm trying to ask him: What started your Civil War?

Soldier: Bosnia hercegovina sarajevo surdulica pirot belgrade novi sad sisak zagreb makarska ercegnovi?

Former Yugoslavian: Tito zagreb trieste voyvodina sombor kragujevac mitrovica dubrovnik mitohiyan T.V.

Soldier: He says we were all peace-loving peoples given to settling our disputes through discussion and negotiation, then we began watching American T.V. and became violent and this is the result.

War Correspondent: I see. Is this true?

Soldier: Yes.

War Correspondent: Ask him if the elimination of the requirement for a Family Hour of programming between 7pm and 9pm lead to an increase of tensions and if the restoration of that programming rule, at the Federal level of course, would lead to a lessening of this violent warfare and a return to peaceful, socially acceptable means of arbitrating greivances.

sfx: static noise
sfx: dead air

News Announcer: We seem to have lost our satellite transmission. So... uh... That's the latest from Bosnia. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program, "Red, White And Blue"

Biff: So, George Apocalypse, what about this March 31st date?

Apocalypse: That's our proposal, Biff. That's what's on the table. It's time for a change, and part of that change is to get out of Someoilia with our heads held high. We have to get out The Right Way. The American people can be proud of the job we've done there.