by Gary Gordon and Ron Birnbach
(produced and presented Nov. '94 thru June '95; weekly from Jan. 11, 1995 thru June 17, 1995)

           It was called the trial of the century, as if the Scopes trial and the trial of the Chicago 7 and numerous other political and anti-trust trials were less important. And though it dominated the culture, it wasn't the only thing going on. Or was it? Maybe all of us were bit players in that drama. I don't know. But in the fall of '94, three months before the trial started, Ron Birnbach and I decided to write and produce a play that would run concurrent with the trial and be revised weekly, as things happened in the trial and around the trial.
     The premise is that a producer hires a writer to write a TV show about the trial as the trial is going on and during the course of the play the writer and the people at the trial get confused as to what's real and what's not.
     The play was workshopped in four presentations in Santa Monica between October and December '94 (including three shows at L.A., The Bookstore), then ran for six months at the Complex Theatre in Hollywood.
     We got some excellent reviews, and some great coverage (ET did two pieces on us, E! Entertainment did a large piece, and I was on CNN's Talk-Back Live the week that Kato took the stand.)
     In March, mid-way thru the run, we selected some of the choice material we'd used between Dec. '94 and March '95 and produced a radio-play version of the play.
     The cassette also includes two songs from the play, a prosecution song to the tune of Run-Around Sue and a defense rap song.

     From the script:

sfx: Music, "There's No Place Like Home"

Bobby Ray: Baby, I'm home... What'd I miss, baby?

Doreen: Clark an' Bailey really got into it, an' they had a bunch of arguments about pictures and videos. An' the New York Post says O.J. an' Kato were doin' drugs at the Burger King, and A.C. has a nine hundred number.

Bobby Ray: While I was gone?

Doreen: You was gone a whole hour, Bobby Ray. I was beginnin' to think you was havin' another affair.

Bobby Ray: Those days are gone, baby. Ever since this O.J. thing come around, I ain't even looked at another woman. As it is I barely got time to keep track of all the evidence, defense strategies, DNA, motions, objections, time-lines-

Doreen: O.J. done brought us closer together, didn't he, Bobby Ray?

Bobby Ray: That's right, babe. It's just you, me... an' O.J... You say A.C. has a nine hundred number?

Doreen: Yeah. Oh, call it, Bobby Ray. It's: One, nine hundred, C.A.L.L.4.A.C.

sfx: phone dialing

Bobby Ray: Oh boy! Oh boy, I'm gonna get the story now!

A.C.: Hello, and welcome to Al Cowling's hotline. Now, for the first time, you can hear my side of the story. To hear me talk about my childhood with O.J., press one. To hear me talk about my porn star girlfriend, press two. To hear me answer your questions, press three.

Bobby Ray: Yeah, I got some questions.

sfx: pressing "three" tone

A.C.: You have pressed three. If your question is, "Did O.J. do it?" press one. If your question is, what's it like to have a girlfriend who's a porn star, press two. If you want to know what happened in the Bronco, press three.

sfx: pressing "three" tone

Bobby Ray: Yeah, three. What happened in the Bronco?

A.C.: I can't tell you.

Bobby Ray: What do you mean, you can't tell me?

A.C.: I can't tell you.

Bobby Ray: You mean I'm paying $2.99 a minute and you can't tell me?

A.C.: I can't tell you. But if you wish to know what it's like to have a porn star girlfriend, press one. If you wish to know what it's like to have a nine hundred number, press two-

Doreen: Oh! Oh! Look, Hon. Hang up! It's time for Larry King!

sfx: Music flourish ("King Of The Road")

Larry King: Welcome to "Larry King Live". Our subject tonight-the O.J. Simpson mystery knife-- I mean, envelope. With me is famous psychic network personality Dionne Warwick. Dionne, tell us about the mystery envelope.

Dionne: Larry, there is more to this than just the mystery envelope. Did you know O.J.'s Bronco chase was on June 17th, and did you realize that the number seventeen if added equals eight, which if turned sideways is the international symbol for infinity, which means this trial might go on forever, but if the numbers are subtracted, one from seven is six, and exactly six months before the Bronco chase, January 17th, was the earthquake?

     More from the script:

sfx: gavel

Shapiro: Move to dismiss the charges.

Judge: Denied!

Clark: Move to sequester the Jury.

Judge: I'll hear argument on that motion.

Shapiro: We're against it, your Honor. In nine years of televised trials, from 1957 to 1966, the jury on he Perry Mason Show was never sequestered. Never.

Clark: Your Honor, this is hardly the Perry Mason Show, and unless the defense intends to have someone in the courtroom stand up at the last minute and declare that they did it, then I hardly think the precedent holds.

Judge: Mr. Shapiro, do you intend for some one in he courtroom to stand up at the last minute and declare that they did it?

Shapiro: Dershowitz? Dershowitz! Did you give away our strategy again on one of those damn talk shows?

Dershowitz: I was only promoting my book, Bob. "The Abuse Excuse". Available in bookstores everywhere.

Shapiro: Will you shut up about your book! I don't have a book. Judge Iota doesn't have a book. Marcia Clark doesn't have a book. The black lawyer doesn't have a book. O.J. doesn't have a book--
O.J.: I do now, Bob.

Shapiro: What? What's it called?

O.J.: I Want To Tell You.

Shapiro: Okay. Tell me.

O.J.: I said, I Want To Tell You.

Shapiro: And I said, go ahead and tell me.

O.J.: I Want To Tell You.

Shapiro: O.J., I'm you're lawyer. You can tell me.

O.J.: I am tell you.

Shapiro: Is there some reason he's not telling me?

Dershowitz: I don't know, Bob.

Shapiro: Did he tell you?

Dershowitz: Yes.

Shapiro: So tell me, what' s the name of O.J.'s book

Dershowitz: I Want To Tell You.

Shapiro: (beat) Okay, fine, don't tell me.

Dershowitz: I want to tell you.

Shapiro: Don't tell me.

Dershowitz: I want to tell you.

Shapiro: Don't tell me.

Clark: Your Honor, I don't have time for this. I have to pick up my kids at Day Care.

     More from the script:

Shapiro: That's right, your Honor. We contend that the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman could not have been the act of one lone knifeman, that there was a Second Knife!

Clark: Your Honor, this is another patent attempt by the defense to delay this trial for reasons-

Shapiro: Hear me out, your Honor! We know that the contents of Nicole Simpson's stomach-

Clark: Her stomach! Your Honor, what does her stomach--?

Shapiro: The contents of Nicole Simpson's stomach were removed and never recorded, thereby destroying valuable ice cream evidence-

Clark: Ice cream evidence? Your Honor, is he joking? Are we off to happyland now to eat cake with the fairy-people?

Shapiro: --destroying valuable ice cream evidence, and leaving unanswered the question, "What did she eat and when did she eat it?"

Clark: Your Honor, now we're playing "Jeopardy"!

Judge: Ms. Clark, you'll have to phrase your objection in the form of a question.

Shapiro: We also know that the bodies were not secured while at the coroner's office, and since we know the LAPD purchased a duplicate of the knife O.J. purchased-

Clark: I don't believe this! He's about to suggest that the LAPD altered the wounds-

Shapiro: Could they not have used this knife to alter the wounds on the bodies, much as they did to the body of JFK in the Oliver Stone movie, or possibly in real life?

Clark: See? I told you. Now he's implicated us all in the JFK assassination. Have you no decency? No simple human decency?

Shapiro: It's all so clear, your Honor. During the Kennedy administration, there was a TV show called "The Green Hornet", whose assistant was his houseboy, Kato! Evidence has shown that Kato Kaelin briefly replaced Greg Kinnear on "Talk Soup". Greg Kinnear replaced Bob Costas on "Later". Costas worked with O.J. as a football announcer! And there's more! Kennedy had a desk made of wood, and O.J. lived in Brentwood! Kennedy had a brother, Edward, the same name as King Edward, who abdicated the throne for Wallis Simpson! Don't you get it? Am I the only one who gets it?